Realisation   von senthessa
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                                  Kapitel 1: 
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They had been a couple now for almost exactly two months – of course this was
not an overly long time but she had been happy with him and she still was. Other
than with her former boyfriends, her first impression of him had not been proven
wrong, which was a fact she was most pleased by. He was still the intelligent,
caring young man she had slowly begun to take a liking to after she had gotten
to know him some months ago. He was gentle and loving and always interested in
what she had to say – and she talked much, very much. Her mouth – when not
occupied by other things as it was quite often the case – could never seem to
stand still when she was in his company as she had embarrassedly mentioned to
him once… only to be honestly assured that there was nothing more pleasant to
him than the sound of her voice. Never had she known anyone as understanding as
him. He was completely aware of the fact that her only aim was to avoid the
silence that sometimes arose between them. He seemed to like it, but she felt
uncomfortable when being in public and not having to tell anything.
Yes, all his understanding and care made her being o so happy with him but each
and every time she looked at him, watched him talk to his friends they
occasionally went to bars with – as she did not dare to introduce him to her
extremely difficult and unnerving circle of friends, afraid that they might
scare him away –, there would be this lurking doubt in the back of her mind,
slumbering but not sleeping, prepared to leap at her at any possible time… Did
she really want this relationship? Did she really want him? Was this what she
had been longing for? Oh, there was nothing wrong with him or his behaviour
towards her. He was as loving as ever possible and she enjoyed every second
spent with him. But she could not deny that she felt restless when sitting
around a table with his chaps, the atmosphere a little fraught because they
never really knew how to act around him when she was with them. She always used
to be tense, aware of every word spoken and cautious about participating in the
conversation… and somehow prepared to defend herself. It almost seemed as if
she was unable to relax, as if she could not feel comfortable around the people
important to him.
Could it be that this was a severe failure in her behaviour against him, not
conversely? Was it just of her to keep him confident in their relationship when
she could not even be sure that she loved him? Yes, she was aware of love being
not just an other word for affection and that it took time to develop, but
sometimes she hat the saddening impression that he was more attached to her than
the other way round and it never failed to make her feel guilty.

At a late Friday evening in fall it was one of these occasions again: They were
four people, sitting in their favourite bar after having been to the cinema and
she was trying hard to support the slowly dying away conversation, always
fearing that the others might fall silent, always afraid of the tense atmosphere
arising in those cases. Soon she had no other choice than to give up on that as
they were beginning to talk about topics as their shared every day life in
school, people she did not know and subjects she had never had.
Then, in this second of imminent desperation, she stole a glance at his face to
make sure that he had not recognized anything, awed at his happy, content
smile… and suddenly wondered where her uneasiness had gone.
It was in this moment, when she realised that seeing him so joyful could make
all her worries vanish, that she knew she loved him… maybe not forever, maybe
not deeper than anybody had ever loved someone, but truly and without any
doubts.
And as she reached out for his hand to hold it tight, she knew that was
everything she had ever longed for.

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