Devil In My Heart   von Tomopi
                             (It hurts either way)
================================================================================
                                       
                                       


Slowly Minho let his gaze wander down the body line that was presented on his
laptop screen. He couldn't believe that after so many years the view of
Jonghyun's trained body still let shivers run over his whole body. He sighed
silently and shut down his laptop. In a few minutes it was time to drive to the
studio and he didn't want to be too ... aware of his presence.
	Again a small sigh escaped his lips as he exited his room and came across a
half naked Jonghyun who didn't seem bothered by the fact that he was running
around in their dorm without a shirt on. When he turned around to put on his
shoes ha caught Keys eyes who gave him a small smile and patted his back. Key
was the only one who knew of his feelings for the older one and also the only
one in their group to know that he was gay.
	Minho couldn't even remember when he had told his best friend about the
situation. He was pretty sure it had been shortly after their debut when it
started to be unbearable to be near Jonghyun. He just needed someone to talk to
and after just another day of Jonghyun running around their dorm half-naked and
seeing him making out with his girlfriend of that time Minho had fled into his
room he had been sharing with Jonghyun and had locked the door. When he refused
to leave the room even after Key trying to coax him out with the promise of ice
cream he had at least allowed for him to come inside. That evening he had told
Key everything about his feelings and in the end they ended up falling asleep
and Jonghyun had to sleep in Taemin's room.
	Afterwards Minho and Key became so close they couldn't be separated in some
situations - mostly when Jonghyun was unintentionally a dick and Minho couldn't
handle the situation anymore. Although it had been years already the younger one
insisted that it was only a crush and that he didn't want to risk a great
friendship and their group's dynamic by confessing whenever Kibum suggested to
do just that. Minho was terrified by that idea.
	A hand on his shoulder pulled him out of his thoughts and he turned with a
smile on his face to reassure Key that he was fine when he saw Jonghyun instead
and his smile froze with having him so near. He could feel his warmth
everywhere.

	"You alright? You're spacing out a lot recently."

	The taller one nodded shortly, grabbed his bag and almost ran out of the door,
only mumbling a hurried "I'll wait in the van.".
	With a confused look he turned around to Onew, who had been standing next to
them, but only received an equally as confused look in return.


	Minho was pretty sure that he had been a horrible person in a previous life. Or
that every kind of god in the world hated him. Or that he got every ounce of bad
luck from everybody he ever met in his life. Otherwise he could not explain why
he was currently lying on a white couch, only clad in white linen pants while
Jonghyun lay under him,  wearing nothing but black jeans. To be specific,
Minho's cheek was pressed on the older one's muscular stomach, closed eyes
facing toward his feet and a hand laying on a thigh, while Jonghyun had one hand
buried in his wild locks and the other around a leash that was securely attached
to a black collar strapped around Minho's neck. He was propped up on one elbow
and had a smoldering look in his eyes.
	Whoever thought up the theme angel/devil should be fired.

	"Minho-ssi, turn around and look up into Jonghyun-ssi's face. I want a
submissive look. The devil managed to bring down a pure angel."

	Minho wanted to scream. He wanted to scream so loud he didn't have a voice
anymore. Slowly he turned around, laying his hand on the chain close to
Jonghyun's hand, but not quite touching it, and looked up. He didn't know if he
looked submissive or anything close to it. He didn't even register the
photographer talking to them. He only registered how he felt as though he was
burning from the inside when his gaze met Jonghyun's. For a fe seconds, nothing
happened; they just looked at each other. Then the shorter boy slowly sat up and
the hand that had been in his hair previously slowly reached for the collar
until he could tug at it, cerafully inching closer himself until he was hovering
over the younger boy, and Minho closed his eyes with the sensation, his lips
slightly parted.
	Suddenly there was clapping and the director said something, but Minho didn't
even wait to listen to him. He jumped up and ran out of the studio into the next
bathroom. With flushed cheeks and panting slightly he leaned on the sink, looked
into the mirror in front of him. A curse escaped his lips and he had to refrain
from breaking the mirror with his shaking fist. He had lost control. Hadn't the
photographer started talking... He didn't want to think about what could have
happened. He couldn't risk their career, their friendship. It was better when he
locked his feelings away. But why did he always think about the older one? Why
couldn't he ignore this? With a suppressed yell he splashed water in his face.
Good that they had used water-proof make-up because of their next shoot, Minho
already dreaded.
	When he left the bathroom Key was already standing in front of the door.

	"Okay?"

	Minho smiled slightly, the smile not reaching his eyes, and nodded.

	"Sure. Everything's alright."

	Key didn't look convinced, but didn't say anything more. He knew that Minho
would talk to him when he was ready. But now they had to face their next photo
shoot first. A fucking swimming pool.





	"Remind me why I do this?", the younger one asked lowly, whispering into
Kibum's ear while watching Taemin, Jinki and Jonghyun splashing water at each
other.

	"Because you love your job."

	Ah, yeah, that. He knew there was something. Sighing he pulled the diva with
him and then pushed him into the pool where the other three were already having
fun in. Before anybody could say something he ran to the edge of the pool and
jumped inside. Inside the water he once more noticed how mute it was under
water, enjoyed the strange way sound traveled. Then he felt thin arms pull him
back to the surface and loud laughing greeted him as Taemin jumped on his back.

	"Hyung, I want to sit on your shoulders!"

	Inside he was sighing tiredly, but he smiled and crouched down to allow their
youngest to sit on his shoulders. In the corner of his eye he could see how Key
climbed on Onew's shoulders and he knew that they would play chicken fight.
Sighing once more he braced himself for the impact and the next moment they were
attacked already. They fought for a minute or two, the clicking of the camera a
mere background noise, when Minho suddenly felt long fingers skim over his
torso. For a second he was confused then he recognized the touch and realized
that he had forgotten about Jonghyun. His hold on Taemin loosened and with the
next push the younger one slipped from his shoulders, but the tall young man
didn't even register the shouts of victory from his bandmates. When he felt the
strong hands settle on his sides he jumped forward in the pretense of pulling
Key from Jinki's shoulders, although he only wanted to get away from the older
one's touch as soon as possible. Before he couldn't stop himself anymore.
	After a few more minutes of play-fighting, in which he desperately tried to not
touch the older one in any way, the photographer told them they were finished
and that they could leave. Minho climbed out of the pool, but stayed back under
the pretense of helping the crew. When Key noticed that he stayed back as well.
	When they were in a quiet corner he asked:

	"What happened?"

	Minho sighed heavily and let himself slump against the wall.

	"The same as always. While you were wrestling with Taemin he suddenly touched
me."

	"Oh. And I thought I had been strong enough to push Taemin from your
shoulders."

	When he heard that, Minho couldn't hold back a scoff.

	"Oh, please. As if you could defeat me under normal circumstances."

	Key only stuck out his tongue, but he was relieved that his best friend seemed
fine.

	"What do you think, have they changed already?"

	Minho shrugged, mumbled with a strained smile:

	"Let's find out."

	He was relieved to discover that Jonghyun was standing fully clothed in front
of their changing room.




	Once more Minho was glad that the seats in the middle of their van had space
between them. He didn't even know why he was practically sitting right next to
Jonghyun. Normally he was sitting in the back, next to Taemin, but their
youngest one had wanted to sit next to Key for a change and Onew never gave up
his seat in the front. And like that he ended up sitting next to his personal
hell. He pretended to look outside the window while in reality he watched the
reflection of the older one talking animatedly with the others in the van. After
a few minutes Kibum demanded of Onew to start his playlist and Minho was once
more stunned that they never grew tired of singing when they all started to sing
the songs. A short while later Jinki turned around with a camera in his hand and
started to film them. They knew that their fans loved to see them like that and
thus they had started to post such videos from time to time on YouTube. Suddenly
Jonghyun reached over to the boy next to him, let his hand linger on the
younger's jaw and turned his hand to him to "flirt" with him. Minho froze at the
touch, his eyes comically wide, and pulled his head forcefully out of the others
grasp. He ignored the confused look of the older one and turned around to look
out of the window - this time really seeing the scenery.
	He didn't know what was wrong with him. It wasn't the first time they 'flirted'
for the camera and it wouldn't be the last time. This was his job. But in the
past few weeks it got almost unbearable to be with Jonghyun, without being with
him. And it hurt. Way too much. 




	To Minho's relief they didn't have many things to attend together in the
following weeks. And the few occasions they were together he pretty much always
ignored the older one. He always managed to go out of his way, in the car he
'slept' or listened to music over his phone. He did everything as long as it
helped him not to interact with Jonghyun. To his great relieve Kibum helped him
and even when Jonghyun asked him what he had done to Minho the diva didn't
elaborate. But Minho knew he couldn't ignore the older one forever. Especially
because he was destroying SHINee like that.




	"Welcome to the special radio program "Ask Minho"! I'm SHINee's Minho and I'm
here today to help you with your problems!"





	After almost two hours of answering questions and giving advice to all kinds of
problems Minho was relieved when he could announce the end of the show.

	"Sadly I have to inform you that this will be the last advice I can give. I
hope I was helpful and to the others I couldn't listen to: Don't give up, I'm
sure you will find a solution for your problem! Now to the last person patiently
waiting. Hello there, how can I help you?"

	"Hello."

	 Minho's heart skipped a beat. He knew that voice. He would always recognize
it. Jonghyun.

	"I have a friend I know now for many years. Until recently I thought everything
is alright between us, but I noticed how his behavior started to change and for
a few weeks now he ignores me completely. I'm concerned about him. Especially
because he is very important to me, but also because we're working together on a
big project and thus have to spend a lot of time with each other. Sometimes,
when I manage to look into his eyes I can see that he is hurt and confused but I
can't help him because he doesn't let me. What can I do?"

	At first he stayed still, then he whispered:

	"Be there for him. Be patient. He might have a reason why he tries to distance
himself from you."

	He didn't even notice how tears started to stream down his face. In all his
trying to ignore the older one he had never thought about the other's feelings.

	"Thank you."




	To his surprise Jonghyun didn't say anything about their radio conversation. He
also didn't try to corner Minho anymore. But that didn't help him at all. He was
only more confused. After the radio show he had talked to Kibum but his best
friend also didn't know what to do with this situation. Minho knew he had to do
something. It couldn't be like this until maybe, someday, his feelings for the
older one changed, or SHINee stopped existing.




	It was one of their rare days off. Everybody sat around the breakfast table ,
half asleep still. Minho stood at the counter, pouring coffee into his mug when
he noticed Jonghyun looking at him with a sad expression. It had been a month
since the radio show. Two and a half months since he started ignoring the
other.

	"Jonghyun, can... can we talk?"

	It was dead silence after he spoke. Everyone stared with huge eyes at the
rapper. Jinki and Taemin had of course noticed that something had happened, but
they didn't know what to do, thus had ignored the awkward situation.
	Suddenly Jonghyun jumped up, almost crashing his chair to the floor. If Minho
wanted to talk to him he wouldn't let the opportunity pass. Minho motioned to
him to follow him and they went into the younger one's room he shared with Kibum
by now.

	"I'm sorry I ignored you for the past few weeks. I..."

	He stopped. How should he do this? He took a deep breath, then mumbled:

	"I love you. I have for a long time. Too long. But I was afraid how you would
react. If you hated me, if I destroyed our friendship, SHINee. I didn't know
what to do."

	A few moments there was silence, then he looked up slowly. Jonghyun still stood
across from him, frozen. Minho waited a few more seconds, then he smiled sadly,
and turned around. He had to get out of the room. He should have talked with him
in another room. Now he couldn't just hide in his own room. And the older one
didn't seem as if he would move anytime soon. As fast as he could, without it
looking like he was running, he left the room. Outside he couldn't stop the
sobbing anymore. On his way to the door he passed Taemin who looked surprised as
he saw the tears stream down the Rapper's cheeks, but before he could stop him
he had already left their dorm.
	Minho didn't know where he went to. He only had to leave. He felt suffocated in
his own home. He ran and ran and ran. It felt as if he ran for hours and maybe
he did that, he didn't know. Finally he settled on a bench a few streets down
from their building. He sighed as he hid his face in his hands. If Jonghyun had
only sad something, anything. But just standing there, staring at him... He just
couldn't handle that. And he really didn't know what to do now. He destroyed
everything, just because he couldn't handle his own feelings. How pathetic was
that?
	A deep sigh left his lips and when he looked up again he discovered, that it
had gotten late already. The sky started to darken. Slowly he made his way back
to their dorm. He was just glad, that he didn't share a room with Jonghyun
anymore. But still, it would be really awkward and painfull for the next few
weeks, maybe even months.

	When he finally got back to their dorm it was uncharacteristically silent. None
of them had left for work that day. Normally that meant it was loud and possibly
there were more of their friends present. But there were no additional shoes at
the door. The television wasn't on and nobody fought over the last pudding in
the fridge. He furrowed his brows and stepped inside his home. Finally he
discovered Taemin and Onew sitting in the living-room, whispering in hushed
voices, while Kibum stood in the kitchen, seemingly cooking everything he could
find in their fridge. Something must have happened, for him to be so angry.

	"Kibum? Are you..."

Minho couldn't finish his sentences as Kibum hang suddenly around his neck,
hugging him. Then he loosened his grip and hit him lightly on the chest.

	"Where have you been? You were gone suddenly and you didn't come back for so
many hours I was afraid something might have happened!"

	Minho smiled apologetically.

	"I'm sorry. I ran and didn't register how the time passed. But what happened
here? Why are you cooking like crazy?"

	Jonghyun chose that moment to come into the kitchen. When he looked up Minho
had to gasp. There was a bright red handprint on the older one's left cheek.
Minho turned around to Kibum, who looked away.

	"What. Did. You. Do?"

	"I freaked out, that did I do! You were gone for hours, didn't have your phone
with you, money, ID! You weren't thinking clearly! For all I know you could have
been hit by a car and we would have heard nothing of it! And all because of that
idiot!"

	The younger of the two let a deep sigh escape his lips. He turned around to
Jonghyun and apologized for Kibum's actions, although he still couldn't look him
in the eyes. Then he turned around to Key and looked down at him with a stern
look.

	"I'm sorry I made you suffer and I'm happy that you are so concerned about me,
but please don't slap people anymore because of me. It isn't his fault that I
can't control my feelings. And it's also not his fault that he doesn't return
them."

	Kibum wanted to retort something, but Minho only shook his head.

	"Leave it be."

	It hurt enough without them talking about it.
	With a small apologetic smile towards the other three of SHINee he turned
around and went into his room, where he fell face first into his pillow and felt
how his tears soaked into it.

	Would his heart ever stop hurting?



	The next few months Jonghyun kept away from Minho and thus Kibum didn't have
any reason to freak out. Although the tall boy was glad that he didn't need to
see the older one more than necessary, he missed him. He missed him dearly, and
Key knew it. Minho was pretty sure that Kibum saw the loneliness in his eyes,
although he tried to hide it. He didn't want Jonghyun to get a bad conscience.
It could also be that Minho was the one ignoring the older one, he wasn't
entirely sure. It proved to be difficult for him to concentrate on anything that
wasn't work as of lately. Maybe that was also a defensive mechanism. He wasn't
sure. He wasn't sure of anything anymore. And the worst part was he didn't want
to be so pathetic. To feel so pathetic.




	"How's Minho?"

	Key looked up from his cooking. They had a day off again - the first since the
disaster with Minho's confession - and although it was said boy's turn to cook
Key did it. Firstly he didn't trust him with a knife right now and secondly had
he left for a run in the morning. It was nothing unusual for the younger one to
train on their free days, but it had been hours.

	"If you would talk to him, you would know.", Key grumbled lightly.

	"I know, but even if I try he ignores me. Or he doesn't hear me, I'm not
sure."

	Key knew what his friend meant. He also noticed how Minho seemed to not see the
other anymore. He also knew that he still hurt and that it was only his way to
prevent himself from any more pain. And he felt guilty because he had been the
one to encourage him to confess.

	"Truthfully, I don't know. He talks even less to me than before, which is funny
when I remember that we got so close because of you."

	Kibum noticed how Jonghyun's brows furrowed when he connected the dots, and he
already knew what would come out of his mouth the moment he opened it.

	"Wait. You two became bff shortly after our debut. Are you telling me he has
had feelings for me since all these years ago?"

	The diva just arched a brow and couldn't stop the satisfaction when Jonghyun's
eyes got big and his mouth gaped slightly open. He was just about to say
something when his phone on the counter started ringing. Without thinking he
pushed the answer button and turned on the speaker.

	"Yes?"

	"This is the Seoul Hospital. Are you Kim Kibum, Choi Minho's emergency
contact?"

	All color left Key's and Jonghyun's faces and Onew and Taemin came running into
the kitchen when the pot he had been holding clattered on the floor.

	"Y-yes. What happened? Is he alright?"



	"Choi Minho has been hit by a car."



	Key didn't really comprehend what happened, but the moment they heard about the
accident, Jonghyun had run out of the room, followed by himself. They knew they
would take longer if they took the car because it was rush hour so they ran to
the hospital. Luckily it wasn't that far away from their dorm. When they arrived
they were told that the younger was still in the operation room and now Key was
sitting on one of the chairs in the waiting room while Jonghyun was pacing from
one side to the other. Just then Onew and Taemin came and Key told them what
little they knew.

	"I called the manager, he's on his way. And I turned off the stove, though I'm
not sure if that stuff is still edible."

	Oh. Just then Kibum remembered that he had been cooking when he received the
call. He sighed inwardly because he could have set their dorm on fire and...

	"Can you please stop pacing already? You are making me nervous!"

	Jonghyun stopped and looked down incredulously.

	"I am making you nervous? How about the fact that your best friend is inside
there and they tell us nothing! How can you remain so calm?"

	"I'm not calm at all but what you are doing is not helping the case at all. You
should totally try to calm down!"

	"How can I calm down when it is my fucking fault that he is inside there?"

	Just then Kibum noticed the tears that started flowing down the older ones
cheeks.

	"It is my fault. He only tried to avoid me. Because I was so dumb and didn't
even respond to his confession. I didn't say anything! And now I might lose him!
I can't lose him, I just can't!"

	With the last words he sank to his knees and hid his face in his hands.

	"Jonghyun-hyung..."

	Taemin kneeled down next to him, took him in his arms, trying to comfort him.
Kibum just sat there staring silently at first. Then he mumbled:

	" You love him."

	Jonghyun looked up with red eyes, just looked at Key.

	"You love him and you didn't say anything. Why didn't you say anything? Why did
you let him hurt so much? You are just so dumb!", screamed the younger one of
the two.

	The main singer lowered his eyes again, gulped, before he answered:

	"I didn't know I love him. I just realized it a few weeks later when it hurt
just so much to see him in this condition. But I couldn't talk to him. At first
because he didn't let me, but then I thought I don't deserve him when I hurt him
so much and that it would be so much better for him to be without me. To find
someone else. I didn't know how deep this feelings were and how long he has been
in love with me..."

	Just then the sliding door to the operation room opened and one of the nurses
came out. Jonghyun jumped up and him and Kibum started bombarding her with
questions.

	"Please calm down. Your friend is alright. A few broken bones and cuts that
needed stitches, as well as a concussion, but he'll live. Just let him rest a
bit. They are bringing him to a room now. When he'll wake up you can talk to the
doctor. Until then you have to wait."

	Afterwards she showed them the room with the sleeping Minho. Taemin gasped when
he saw the state his hyung was inside. The right leg was in a cast as well as
his right wrist. His head was bandaged and he was covered in scratched and
bruises.
	Jonghyun stayed frozen at the open door, watched how his friends sat down next
to the bed. He stayed there until Key came back to him and took a hold of his
hand.

	"Don't make me regret this."

	Then he pulled him towards the bed, sat him down on the stool nearest to Minho.
Jonghyun looked at him for a few moments, then nodded.

	"I won't."



	When Minho awoke he felt pain. Everything hurt and which caused him to groan
when he opened his eyes slowly. Everything was blurry and the light blinded him.
Again a soft groan escaped him and in that exact moment someone pulled the
curtains of the window closed. Slowly his eyes got used to the dimmed light and
when he looked around he discovered that he lay in a complete white room.

	"The doctor will be here any minute."

	Minho looked up to the only other person in  the room and recognized him as
Jonghyun. Nevertheless he didn't say anything, just looked up at him, while the
older one came closer, slowly, as if he was afraid of scaring him off. Just when
he opened his mouth to say something the door opened and the doctor came
inside.
	Jonghyun left the room to give them some privacy. Outside he sat in one of the
chairs and called Key. He didn't even let the other one say a word when he
mumbled:

	"He's awake."

	"What did he say?"

	A short pause, then:

	"Nothing. He just looked at me."

	"You have to talk to him. You have to earn his trust back, otherwise there will
be no change. You hurt him deeply. That doesn't change that fast. Be there for
him. I'll tell the others that he's awake. We'll be there in a few hours."

	Jjong sighed and put the phone away. After a few more minutes of waiting the
doctor left the room and he went inside. There, Minho had sat up slightly and
the window was opened. Feeling slightly nervous he stepped closer and sat on the
chair he had waited in for the last few days.

	"How do you feel?"

	Minho didn't answer, he just looked at him. Jonghyun sighed, then leaned
forward and took the hand in his that wasn't in a cast. He ignored how the
younger one stiffened slightly.

	"Minho, I... I don't know how to start..."

	The younger one didn't react, just stared at their entwined fingers.

	"I'm sorry... I'm sorry that I didn't react when you confessed. I'm sorry that
I ignored you. I'm sorry that I didn't try to talk to you when you ignored me.
And I'm sorry that I assumed it would be better for you to forget me."

	"Why are you telling me this?"

	It was so low, Jonghyun almost didn't catch the words, but couldn't suppress a
smile. Minho talked to him!

	"Because I love you."

	He ignored how Minho tensed again and tried to break contact with Jonghyun,
hold his hand even tighter.

	"I'm sorry I didn't tell you sooner. I didn't know that I felt more for you
until it was too late and you started to ignore me. And after that I believed it
would be better for you to just forget me and move on. But when they called us
and told us that you had an accident... It felt like I froze over inside... Like
I couldn't feel happiness anymore. I can't lose you!"

	He knew that he was selfish. After hurting the younger one so much he suddenly
wanted to keep him for himself.
	After a few moments of silence Minho looked up, hurt still evident in his
eyes.

	"What do you expect from me now? That I'll jump in joy and scream my undying
love from you from the rooftop? I can't do that, Jonghyun... It hurt so much...
I don't think I can cope with getting hurt again..."

	Jonghyun gulped. He had to do something before he lost Minho forever.

	"Minho-yah... I'm really sorry I hurt you and I can't promise you that we will
never fight. But I love you and I want to be there for you. I want to hold you
and I want to be the one you come to when you had a hard day."

	Again, Minho kept silent. He still loved the other, but he was afraid to get
hurt really badly. But the thought alone of being held by the older made him
feel tingly inside. He stared intently, seeing how nervous the older one was. It
seemed that he really was afraid of his answer.
	Instead of answering verbally he raised his hand to Jonghyun's cheek, leaving
the hand of the older one on the comforter, and slowly pulled his face closer.

	"Don't you break my heart, Jonghyun.", he whispered lowly.

	Then their lips touched in a soft kiss.

	"Fucking finally!", Key groaned, standing in the doorway with Onew and Taemin
looking over his shoulders.

	Minho's cheeks turned a crimson color and Jonghyun's face almost split with how
wide his grin was.

	"If you hurt him, I will castrate you, Jjong!"

	He still could only grin, pulling the younger one in another soft kiss.

	"Never!"

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