Letters to: Unknown von Aufgerouget ================================================================================ Kapitel 1: The melody of the rain --------------------------------- schrieb am 22:47 Uhr am 12. August 1998: Dear Sina, How are you? I hope you are fine. Long time no email by you and I wonder why. Maybe something in your life have changed? And I was really busy, too. Nine weeks without computer. Wasn't as bad as it sounds 'cause it was also nine awesome weeks without that bunch of people who hurt and destroy me step for step in the daily life. In the end there's not much of me anymore.. However, I've finished my therapy and are back at home. It wasn't my first and won't be the last. It's not 'cause of THAT guy. It's just ... you know. Problems with myself which are older. I have to solve them to join "the normal life" again. Can't be a sacrifice for a joyful life of others just cause of this heavy thought in my head with yells to me that I am nothing, I deserve nothing, I shouldn't be happy. I am just there to live for others him. Otherwise there is no way of life for me. I've already told that shit. It's kind od creepy what is going on in my mindfucked mind. No one understands this but you do. We have a similar story. Unfortunately the weather is so rainy and cold here. Not what I imagined of a great rest of the summer holiday after finishing school and go to work. But yesterday I went to the city in a middle of an first autumn storm which felt like November and bought my first cellphone. It is kind of strange that people can me call everywhere now and not only when I am home. Is this a good thing? It leaves the taste of a pressure to call back instead it is the middle of the night. But maybe I am just to old fashioned for this new media stuff? I was very pessimistic about PC and mails 'cause I love to write long letters by my own but then, one or two weeks ago, I totally fall in love with mails. So I am in a little back from stationary therapy to real life depression mood. But I know that's just the depression and no real sorrows. So it's not as bad as normal. It's just like I feel bad and I know that it's just of a disease like a cold or a flu. I'm just sick and not pissed or depressed 'cause of something. 'Cause of my illness I don't need anything to be depressed but things from the outside make it even worser. But now there is a difference. I know that I can't change the mind of other people. Just my own behavior. And now I am fortunetaly able to calm myself down by myself. I don't need any family or boyfriend to realize that I am a beautiful and unique and talented person. I don't like the word loveable 'cause it sounds like we have to be persons who need someone who says "you worth something". There is no need to. It's just a thing that I have to trust in my mind and that he gives me the power to find my way. I just have to like myself. And to be careful with this person. To do things I would like to do and create positive and wonderful moments in my life. To show that life is great. That life is not only about being there for other persons and to sacrifice your own soul just to live for other people and their dreams. I have to play the main role in this play. Who else? In the past I've made a lot of mistakes. I'm sorry that I've hurt you without the intention to hurt you. It was unfair to think that he's mine like he's a dog or my property. He isn't. He is more like a fascinating werewolf. He loves to be on his own but he can make everyone make falling in love with him. Although I can't turn the time back to that moment I've changed your life I hope you can forgive me that I had played an important role in things that hurt you. We've both were hurt. And that was for a reason. A lesson we've have to learn. maybe we are not friends or something like this. So we're companions of the same thing. The same fate. So we're fate mates made by the silly desicions of that idiot We learned that we are the most important person in our life. And I hope so much that your life is full of joy. I think that to be here at home hurts me. Not because of now, but 'cause of the past ..... that memories I can't switch off when I am in the same room like in these memories I try to forget. But my new home will be better. I need no sunshine or the sweet smile of an awesome boyfriend or whatever. I just need sunshine and a smile in my heart. Have a nice week and weekend Azulea Hosted by Animexx e.V. (http://www.animexx.de)