And in the darkness, when I'm blind with what I can't forget....
The days went by and as time went by I forgot what had happened.
Dublin started to get home for me.
I found work and friends. The only thing I was sad about was that Johanna didn't seem to like it there and how hard she tried I felt it wasn't home for her.
When I got back to the tavern, she was standing in front of the door watching the sea.
Her body was there but her soul seemed to be miles away.
I looked at her, but she looked right through me.
I went to her and stood in front of her.
Suddenly she looked at me as if she'd seen a ghost, then her mind got clear again.
She smiled. In despair.
I kissed her cold lips. Cold like death.
I shrinked back as I noticed that.
"Are you alright, darling?", I asked her anxious.
"I think. But..."
"What is wrong, my love?", and again the panic from before got over me.
She catched that and looked doleful.
"I am just so confused about everything... You want me to start something new with you. You want me to be the woman you always dreamed of. Maybe I am. Maybe not.
But I am sure I can't start a new life without knowing where my mother is...and dad..."
"I..."
"I am sorry. I shouldn't have told you."
"I want to know everything about you and your emotions. Please don't think it will ever be something that doesn't matter to me!", I stuttered.
"I have to find her and ask her why she didn't stay by my side. I want to know if she didn't want me or if there was another reason... I have to find it out. And if I can I want to know where my father went after he left...
There are so many questions haunting me every second.
I love you like the stars above and I really want to be with you, to start a new life with you. Someday growing old with you.
But how can I have a future without having a past?"
I was absolutely aphasic. I'd never heard her speaking like that.
I could do nothing but just standing there and look at her.
"Say something!", she stated.
"I...you...I really don't know what to say..."
"I'm sorry that...I had to tell you that."
"Well. So, what now? What's your intention?"
"We have to go back. We..."
"Throw all this away? I thought we could start a new life without all this tears and pain."
"We can come back afterwards."
I nodded my head.
She had no idea.
I wanted to ask her to be my wife today.
I had to hold my tears back.
But if it was this, what she wanted, I had to do everything to help her find out about her mother and father.
But what if they were dead.
I wouldn't be able to see her cry without my heart flying into flinders.
Someone with the perfection she had should see her life lying broken in front of her.
It was just wrong.
But maybe they were still living.
But why did they never search my sweet Johanna?
What kind of parents do not care about their child?
So many questions were haunting my mind.
I shook my head to get rid of these thoughts.
I loved her more than everything else.
I don't know if she knew it but I'd do everything to make her smile.
I couldn't find anything to ever let her go. I'd never let her go!
And as we went to bed and she was sleeping I said to myself: "One day you will be mine!"
I kissed her skin and fell asleep as well.
