When I was your man

When I was your man

When I was your man
 

Same bed, but it feels just a little bit bigger now

Our song on the radio, but it don't sound the same

When our friends talk about you all that it does is just tear me down

Cause my heart breaks a little when I hear your name

And it all just sound like uh, uh, uh
 

It was a rainy day as I sat with my friends in a small Café, in the middle of Seoul. They talked- a lot like always- and had their ‚fun‘. Without me, like all these past days since you weren‘t with us anymore.

Every morning I woke up in our bed, well, my bed now and wondering how the hell it came to an end like it is now. I always thought we were the perfect couple, deeply in love especially from others point of view.

I listened up as soon as the sound of a very familiar melody hit my ear and I looked around a little.

„Yongguk, you okay?“

„What?“

Jongup and Youngjae hat stopped talking and both were looking at me, while Daehyun started playing with his fork, not looking up at all.

„Are you okay? You look a little...distracted..“

I saw it. They were pitying me because they knew. They knew how I regretted it. Especially Daehyun, who didn‘t dare looking up. He told me that you went to him, talked with him about your feelings, about us, that you were torn inside..

„Is it about Himchan again?“

There it was again. Your name. I couldn‘t hear it anymore. The pain in my chest just returned as soon as I ‚forgot‘ about it. Just because of your freaking name. With your name came the memory of your voice, your beautiful face, your lips and the angelic smile you always gave me when I was down..your whole wonderful being that I never actually realized.

„Yongguk, you should have just listened“

Now Daehyun was raising his voice and he also looked directly at me, his sad eyes telling a complete story. He always liked you, more than a friend but he never let it out because we were friends. Because you never realized it and he didn‘t want to break us up. Now he wasn‘t like this anymore. He would always tell me how wrong it was to hurt you. To lose you. To let you go like this.

Then he stood up, gave a sad smile to the others and left.
 

Hmmm too young, too dumb to realize

That I should have bought you flowers and held your hand

Should have gave you all my hours when I had the chance

Take you to every party cause all you wanted to do was dance

Now my baby is dancing, but he's dancing with another man.
 

As always, the rest of my day was just about you. Youngjae and I were sitting in a cap on our way to the club Yongnam had invited us this night as we passed a beautiful flower shop. I knew this shop. You‘d always stop in front of it and look at the flowers adoringly. You liked flowers, wanted to be as beautiful as them like you used to say. I just could always wonder how you thought that you weren‘t beautiful. Even more then those flowers.

Always when we passed this shop you had asked me if we could go in for a while and take a few, for our apartment but I had always declined. I don‘t like flowers that much. So I didn‘t want to go in, even though you really wanted to.

I always wanted to get home as fast as possible and chill, spend a little time with other friends or go clubbing. All the time you asked me if you could join me I said no as to the fact that you could see another man, someone who was better than me. I didn‘t trust you enough.

„Come on, we‘re already late.“

Youngjae pulled me out of the cap and dragged me to the club we were heading to. I didn‘t want to, really, because I knew that I couldn‘t just forget you in a single clubnight. I didn‘t and never want to forget you. Even if you weren‘t here with me anymore, I would always keep our memories and everything we had.

Like this one. This club. We went to it once and drank, danced and had fun. I loved the way you smiled, your relaxed state. What I didn‘t like at all was that you were dancing with a woman. A pretty woman. You weren‘t close with her, but still you just looked so perfect together.

I got jelous like hell and dragged you out of there, yelling at you, didn‘t care about your feelings at this moment.

Now I know that all you wanted to do was dance, and because I didn‘t want to dance with you, you simply went to the dancefloor on your own and did what you wanted to do.

As we reached our destination Yongnam and Daehyun were already waiting for us. My brother smiled and said hello like nothing happened, while Daehyun was facing the floor again. A little awkward silence arised between us and Yongnam sighed, smiled again and lead us into the club.

I looked around a little, the loud music made me feel the bass throughout my whole body. We moved again, walking towards the bar but before we could get to it my body froze.

My eyes widened as realization hit me, catching sight of you. You on the dance floor, smiling lovingly at another man.
 

My pride, my ego, my needs and my selfish ways

Caused a good strong man like you to walk out my life

Now I never, never get to clean up the mess I made

And it haunts me every time I close my eyes

It all just sounds like uh, uh, uh, uh
 

Without thinking I started to push through the crowd. I didn‘t like the picture, you with another man. As I thought before, it hurt so bad that I wanted to sream my lungs out, punch myself for letting you go.

Getting you back and never loosen my grip around you ever.

As I was starting to fight my way trough the people in here someone gripped my wrist and pulled me back. I turned around, confused and angry at the same time but bit my lower lip as I looked at Daehyun.

„Leave him alone. You hurt him enough, Yongguk. Don‘t you see that he‘s happy right now? Without you?“

I can see the pain in his eyes but obviously he was handling it better than me. He knew that you were completely out of his reach, not even close to me anymore.

Again I bit my lip, defeated, following him now to Youngjae and Yongnam who were already sitting at the bar and ordering drinks.

How were I supposed to tell you that I was still in love with you, that I missed you, that I needed you more than anyone else on earth?

My eyes searched for you again on the dance floor, but you were gone. The guy you danced with, however, was still there. Or maybe you were still standing in front of him, staring deep into his eyes and give your heart to another man than me...because I could only see the guys back.

I never thought that I could possibly lose you. You were strong, you never really showed off your pain.

And then...then you just said that it was enough, that you couldn‘t live with me anymore and that you needed your time. Freedom. You didn‘t need me anymore. You didn‘t cry. You were smiling and hugged me, then you turned around and left.
 

•
 

After a few hours of drinking and also dancing we went home again. Daehyun laid his head on my shoulder as we sat in the cap, while Youngjae was sleeping in the front seat. Yongnam had taken another taxi because he lived in the complete different direction.

It was silent and I also closed my eyes, thinking about your pretty face while imagening that everything was still all right.

„Yongguk..“ Daehyun whispered and lifted his head a little, looked at me as I opened my eyes again.

„Mhm?“

„I miss him. Not as much as you do probably, but I also miss him.“

„I know, Dae. I know...“
 

Although it hurts I'll be the first to say that I was wrong

Oh, I know I'm probably much too late

To try and apologize for my mistakes

But I just want you to know

I hope he buys you flowers, I hope he holds your hand

Give you all his hours when he has the chance

Take you to every party cause I remember how much you loved to dance

Do all the things I should have done when I was your man!

Do all the things I should have done when I was your man
 

I laid in my bed, on your side, thinking about our past. You never looked at me like this in moments when we were out together. Of course, you were smiling a lot, but you always had this sad glance in your beautiful eyes.

And sadly I realized why.

I never said that I loved you more than once. When we became a couple. I never followed your wishes when you told me one, even if it was hidden behind jokes. I never got a view behind that mask of yours because I never wanted to.

One day you gave up telling me that you loved me, I never realized that until now. I broke you without me knowing. I never wanted to.

I swear if you just came back I would tell you every second how much you mean to me. How I needed you. How much I actually loved you.
 

Right now the only thing I can do is hoping that he treats you better. That he‘s always there for you and tells you how beautiful you are, how much you are worth living for.

A small smile formed on my lips as I felt tears starting to roll down my cheeks.

I turned around, facing my nightstand and let out a deep sigh before closing my eyes and seeing your pretty face. Again.

I wanted to follow Daehyuns words and let you go, thinking it would be the best for you.
 

Again, a few minutes passed....or maybe hours, I had no idea but I couldn‘t sleep, as my doorbell rang.

Once. I ignored it.

Twice. I turned around and stared at the ceiling.

The third time I groaned and stood up, pulled over a sweater and slowly made my way to the door. It rang again and I nearly yelled at this ass in front of my door. The hell, it was freaking past midnight and I wanted to get at least a bit sleep.

As I opened the door I opened my mouth to speek, but my vocabulary failed me as soon as I spotted my uninvited late guest.

„Hello, Gukkie...“