My dearest Linh,
in memory of us I am writing down our story, everything that will always connect us. This is the beginning, so over hopefully many years I will go on writing this and maybe be able to give it to you one day. I know that our situation is and will always be complicated but it is what it is and we have to deal with it. I cannot speak for you, but I am ready to do so and I always was. I know that I have found my soulmate in you no matter what we do and if we will find our way together one day or not. We are meant to be and that was clear to me the whole time. If we can't make it in this life then definetely in the next one. I will keep my promise to be happy but know that if I should meet someone else one day I will always remember you. Now this is our story that I will never forget.
It was in my foreign semester in Tomsk. I went to the farewell party from the buddy building club, which was there to help us at the university and with making friends. I was happy and sad at the same time this evening. I looked forward to going home, because I missed my best friends so much all the time and I could not take it any longer. But I also knew I would leave another life behind. My other amazing friends and alomost family stayed there. I still had some time left but this party was kind of symbolic and showed that this wonderful time came to an end soon.
On this party we first met. You were with my italian friends and so we started to talk to each other. I even remember what the topic was. You told me you lived in America and I said I have been to Canada before. So we got into a conversation. In this moment I just thought you were a pretty asian guy. You bought me a drink but said to me that another girl in the bar was hot. That changed my mind about you for a while, since I have met many boys like this before who flirt with every girl and only want some fun. I had no idea how you would proof me wrong. Later you came to dance with me. I don't know why but I've been hoping for it and you did. It was amazing and I was just so happy a cute asian boy danced with me.
After you went away and I just texted my friends about what happened. I felt good, but did not yet recognise my real feelings. Of course I didn't. I barely even knew you. Then you came back to me and we talked about everything. Asian food, that we are both Anime fans, you told me you can play the violine and I like classical music and synfonic metal. We figured out we had many things in common. Then you asked me to come to subway with you and some friends. Of course I agreed. Everyone went away the same time, also the italian girls. You told me you liked Eleonora, but she held hands with someone else. You have been very open but when you saw them you said you were shy only with people you had feelings for. I totally understood this and that you were angry about her holding hands with someone who is not her boyfriend. We made fun of the italian and latin american passion and were all the time just talking to each other. In Subway you bought me a cookie and we stayed there a while. It was 4 o clock in the morning when you walked Elmira, another friend, and me home. First her, then me. So we had some more time for ourselfes. We talked about our hobbies like Animes, our favourite movies and music. We even figured out we had the same favourite character in Star Wars.
But we also came to the deep topics already. I told you the story of my past, my disease and all the bad things I saw and gave you the adress of the webside with all my poems and stories. After you told me you have brain cancer. I could not believe it at first but of course I knew no one would lie about something like this.
Already after this night I knew I had feelings for you. Deep down I knew it since the first moment I saw you. When we danced and then talked I realised it. I just did not want to let them get so deep into me. I have been hurt so often and wanted to test you first. So I waited for you to text me and did not do it myself. After 2 days I was about to do it although because my friend gave me the advice. But you did it before me. I was the happiest person in the world. This is when I fell in love with you and could not think about anything else anymore. One week later I came to your place and you cooked vietnamese food for me. You made fish, chicken wings and a soup. It was very delicious but of course that was not what I cared about. I went on with my test and told you about my boys stories to see what you would say about them. Aspeacially about the guys who only wanted a one night stand. And you passed my test with an 100 percent A mark. You said you don't like this kind of girls neither and we totally agreed with each other in everything we talked about. You told me that you found out Eleonora wanted to make you jealous but that you rejected her because she would go back to italy and you didn't like this kind of attitude. I admired how honorable you were and that made me fall in love with you even more. I could talk openly about everything with you but you had the respect and the seriousity I always missed with other boys.
You also told me that you were not over your ex girlfriend yet and would not be ready for a new relationship. Usually I would have forgotten you right away in the secound you said this but somehow I still believed in us, because I was sure you had feelings for me and I still know this was just an excuse. I am not saying it was not true but the real reasons were other ones or at least it was only a part of them. You would have needed more time than we had. And because of that, the distance and your disease you decided that we could not have a possibility to be together. So you let me go because you thought you would not be able to make me happy. At this point of time I didn't know about this yet, but for some reason I trusted you no matter what you said.
You were so romantic and even opened a bottle of wine for us, your roommates ate with us but then they left us alone and we talked about our romantic fantasies. I showed you my favourite song and I still remember how moved you were by it. I also had gotten a new tatoo, which was my excuse to get touched by you and we took a selfie. After it was already late at night and you took me home. There we had the awkward handshake to say goodby but then you finally hugged me. This kind of insecurity showed me there is something between us.
With another guy I would have been disappointed of this date but I wasn't. You made it wonderful and this was all that mattered. Probably because I saw your feelings and I was sure this was not an imagination. You had many girls in the past and had the ability to see people. So I knew you recognised my signals. They were more than clear. And since you reacted positively to them I hoped for us. We had already made up our next Date. We actually wanted to go to dance. Also another girl wanted to come but I was not worried because you told me she had a boyfriend and I knew you would never even touch her. When the day came I asked my friends to help me choose a nice dress for this evening. One of them agreed and came with me. I tried many dresses until one fitted and was good enough for the time with you. I already told you that I don't like shopping and I never did such thing for anyone before. At the end you said the dance was canceled but you still went out with me. We ended up in a Sushi restaurant. I was glad about it because it meant the other girl was not with us, just you and me. I still remember you fed me with Sushi, which was so romantic. Actually we wanted to see a fontain but we totally forgot the time and stayed in the restaurant till they told us to leave. It was already 1 o clock so you took me home. I wished so much you would take my hand but you didn't and I could not do it neither. I wasn't brave enough. I told you this evening what my favourite flower is, a white rose. And you said you would bring me one the next time as a reward for what I did for you.
This evening was magic. But I knew we would only see each other one more time before I left Tomsk. I had invited you to my farewell party. All my friends already knew about my feelings. You have been busy this day and so you wanted to join us later. We went to the wrong pub and so I wondered where you were. I hoped so much you would not disappoint me and just calmed down when your message finally came. We went to the other pub then to meet you there. I remember that one of my friends joked about us as a couple. But you said we were just friends. We began to talk about that but did not finish our conversation. We had a lot of fun. You wanted me to teach you some phrases in german and only asked for cute ones. Like I am talking to the nicest girl, you look good and things like this. I wrote them down for you so you'd never forget.
We sat down next to each other, drank alcohol and just celebrated. You got drunk and I did just a little. Enough to be brave and tell you how I feel. At least I said I wrote a romantic poem for you. I did it as a farewell gift and it was my hope to convince you with it that we belong together. The situation was just not that simple. After I told you about the poem you said you had feelings for me but you couldn't follow them. You would not want to betray your ex girlfriend, we would be apart and you have cancer. We discussed the whole time and walked around. You couldn't even go straight anymore so I held you sometimes. We fought. I said you make a stupid desicion, you talk shit and you are just affraid to admit your feelings. I begged you to give us a chance and you begged me to let you go. I just couldn't until today. I wanted and still want to fight for you. You didn't see how happy I was with you and thought I needed someone else. Now when I am writing this you still believe that. I hope one day I can proof you wrong. On this evening you wanted to buy me a white rose. But no flower store was opened so you took one on the way. I was so mad at you that I left it behind in my room afterwards. I am so sorry and I hope you forgive me for that. In this moment I just thought you don't want me because I couldn't immagine you would not follow your feelings if you had some. But soon I realised I was wrong about this. I remember that we layed on the street for a moment and looked at the morning sky together. It was a wondeful moment. With you I always felt so free like I could do anything. No one ever gave me this feeling. When we said goodby you kissed me on my had and said we would see each other again in the next life.
The next day I left Tomsk and I told you to come to my dorm when my Taxi arrives. You were not there. I knew you would not come but when it was reality I was hurt so deeply. I felt miserable and fought this feeling with all strengh I had. Sometimes I was just numb. Like there was nothig, no pain just emptiness. Only in some moments when I was alone at night everything broke through. When I was in the bus to Novosibirsk you texted me that you saw me leaving, which meant you came to my dorm. There was no other place where you could have seen me. In this moment I knew there was hope. I told you to give me a sign that there was hope and I would wait for you. Now I know that was wrong. It made you try to push me away and made you think I would have a bad life with you. There is only one thing you did not know. I don't need a boy around me to be happy and never did.
The time after I was very confused. Gopala, my kind of ex boyfriend in russia, texted me he loved me and wanted to see me. I was so desprate that I even replied to him. But it was good because I could tell you I'd give him another chance so you would think I was over you. Otherwise we probably couldn't have kept our connection. I am still doing this, pretending I meet guys. But the truth is I don't. I told you I feel fast and forget fast. I acted like many boys I met did not mean anything. But what I said back then was all a lie. You gave me an advice not to fall in love so easily and I was angry about that. I didn't want you to be in this position and give you power over me. This is the most important thing that I want you to know one day when you read this. I pretented I was strong and nothing would mean something to me but I never forgot even one of the boys I ever had feelings for. I am just as loyal and faithful as you are. Maybe you did not see me like this until now but that's why I am telling you my real feelings.
After you rejected me I felt like dying. I missed you, I needed you and the worst was that I understood you. I knew why you did what you did and theresore I wasn't able to forget you, to close our chapter. If you would have told me you have no feelings it would have been easyer. I could have put you on my the guys I'll never have list, write a sad poem and everything would have been fine. Our situation was just more complicated than that. You kept on texting how great and strong I am. You were here for me when I needed you. And so everything developed. I had much time to think and so I knew what to do. I had to be faithful and wait for our chance, our moment. If I would meet someone else fine I would let it happen. But I would not search and until then or my death believe in us. Until today I did not stop doing so. You said that our kind of relationship is the best you ever had and so is it for me. When I did not text you for a while and then again I realised how good you are for me and how much I need you in my life. No matter how. Our connection is and always was enough for me. Now you don't understand this yet but when you read this you hopefully will. I was so worried about you every time you did not reply for a while and when you told me you escaped from the hospital. After that I realised that something could happen any time and also that I would do anything to be by your side when the time comes. All this made one thing clear to me.
I love you till the end and I am gonna stand by you no matter what.
To be continued
