I demand more than you can give
Golden shimmering eyes looked at me. Looked at me in pure love. I knew you loved me. Before you had said it I knew. Lovers don't need words to explain their feelings. I remember the day as if it was yesterday, when you came to me, one night, in December.
"Kai I can't stand it anymore!" Was the only thing you said. Just this few words, but I knew, what it meant. My cold nature. I saw that it always hurt you when I was rough to you. The fear in your eyes, when you had lost a battle. As if I would hate you, just for being one matches looser. But I could never hate you.
I took your hand. Pulled you towards me. Your whole beautiful face seemed to wander what I was doing, if I knew what I was doing. But I knew. I sat you down next to me. You shivered as I took your face into my hands. "Do you love me?" I asked. Still with fear in your eyes, but not able or not willing to lie you nodded.
I felt your warm breath on my skin as I came nearer. Our lips met ever between 24 and 1 o'clock. From that moment ... you were mine. I don't know, if you were just possessed, or obsessed by me. Our relationship was full of love - biased love. You loved me more than anything else, you told me and I felt it. But you were just a pastime for me. You always knew that,. But you didn't care.
Today I'm sorry, because today I know what I have done. But I was stupid and I treated yo like dirt. You were at my mercy and I made use of it. I wanted you - I just didn't recognize how I destroyed you. All I saw, was my craving for you.
And I lived it up. Mistreated you in every possible way. And it satisfied me. Satisfied me to see you, when I had taken you again. I hurt you, saw it in your face, your nearly crying eyes. But you still said you love me. Put on a false smile. And said it doesn't matter. I don't know if I wanted to exorcize me out of you. Rip me out of your heart with violence.
Did I want to protect you of my ruthless behaviour, without knowing it? I took you for granted. I couldn't even imagine that you would be away someday. You had always been there.
But now ... now you are away. Neither a holiday trip, nor a transitory separation, nor a little argument. You are away for ever now. And now I know, what I had in you. Now that it is too late.
I can imagine it. Your desperate face I had seen so often, but I didn't care. Thought you were strong. Thought you would never give up. How come I was so stupid to think that you were able to stand it? That your fragile soul could stand this pain.
And now it is my fault. My fault that all of us, Max, Tyson Kenny and I, are standing at your grave. I stroked over your name. Ray Kon - the ornate letters of your name. The others. They wonder how it came. They never recognized your pain either.
Now that it is too late I recognized something. I recognized that you Ray Kon were the first one to show me love. You taught Kai Hiwatari what it is to be loved and love in return.
Yes Ray .... I've always loved you. But I was too weak to confess it.
