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Brothers In Arms

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Chapter 1 Alt. Version

When Nero stepped out of the car, his surroundings did not provide the picture he had anticipated. He looked around, slightly awed at the advanced looking technology and modern buildings. And were those robots at the pizza stand...?

 

Dante let out a low whistle. Seemed like he was a bit surprised as well. But well, neither of them had ever heard of this place called Yokohama City in the middle of nowhere before, especially since it wasn't in Japan as the name suggested. That seemed to be a regional thing, though, considering they had passed signposts pointing towards places called Kyoto City and even London City on their way here. The people living here didn't seem very creative, at least when it came to naming their towns. These robot-machines, however, proved their technical capabilities. And their firepower, Nero added mentally, warily eyeing a robot with a gun as thick as his body stomping past.

 

"Done staring, kid? I know this looks impressive, but we're here for a job. Although I guess these things make one wonder why they'd need any outside help at all. I doubt most demons could withstand being shot in the face by one of these."

 

Nero shot his partner a look but complied and grabbed his Red Queen off the beaten and dirty car's backseat, strapping it to his back. He slammed the door shut, shooting the vehicle a look when it shivered from the impact. He just hoped it would live long enough to get them back home, too.

 

"Let's go look for our client. What was his name again?"

 

Joining Dante in his stride towards the city, Nero fished a small piece of paper out of the pockets of his coat. Straightening it, he read the scraggly words written out loud.

 

"Tōya, Headstudent's office at the Yokohama City University."

 

Stuffing the crinkled note away again, Nero took another look around. They were approaching what looked like the town centre bustling with activity. It looked like some sort of festival was approaching. There were already a couple food and gaming stands praising their services to pedestrians. A big tent to his left was still unfinished, though, and there were a lot of unoccupied spaces that looked like there were even more booths planned.

 

The citizens looked rather normal, enjoying life just chatting away. Completely contrasting the urgent call they had received at the Devil May Cry two days ago, claiming something that could only be a demon was wreaking havoc near the town, something they supposedly couldn't deal with themselves. A statement that now started to raise suspicion within Nero- how could they not be able to handle a demon when they had such weaponry at their disposal? Unless it was a really big one, one of the Lords of Hell, but these needed to be summoned manually, they couldn't just poke their heads through any random rift they might stumble across, like lesser devils could. Something was off.

 

"Hey, Dante...", Nero muttered while shuffling a bit closer to his companion. The elder looked completely at ease, but the young demon hunter knew better than to disregard his relative's guarded gaze.

 

"I know. Something's fishy about this", Dante agreed in a low voice. That didn't stop him from winking at a young woman wearing a yellow uniform, though. Nero snorted and rolled his eyes. Dante was such a huge flirt.

 

"The same procedure as every time, then?"

 

His only answer was a nod and a grin, which Nero amusedly returned. This wouldn't be the first time someone tried to trick them in order to catch them off guard. Especially since he'd joined Dante in the Devil May Cry over two years ago had the demons become even more determined and radical in their quest to eradicate the last drops of Sparda's blood. But so far, the two of them had proven to be quite the team. Even Dante, in a rare display of sentimental mush, had admitted fighting demons and doing his job hadn't been that easy and felt that safe in a long time. Words that had made Nero's chest swell with pride and turned his insides into warm, fluttery goo (which he'd deny with his dying breath). All he had said and shown were a cocky grin, a thumb's up and a careful, yet no less genuine "Likewise." But he figured that was enough.

 

Nero was ripped from his musings when another low whistle, accompanied by an appreciative noise, was heard from his right. He looked up to check which arse Dante was ogling now, when-

 

"Wow."

 

- he saw the huge, elaborate building a couple yards away, a large sign saying Yokohama City University for Enchanters.

They both paused their steps to take in the very impressive sight in front of them. The building was gigantic, sporting multiple high tower-esqe structures that looked brand new. The façades were still shiny, void of even the slightest speck of dirt. The cleaning staff was either overly motivated or this had something to do with this Enchanter-business advertised on the big sign. Nero wasn't entirely sure what that actually was, but he figured it had something to do with magic.

 

Patting himself mentally on the shoulder for his razor-sharp deduction skills, he discreetly elbowed Dante in the side to get the other's attention. Icy blue eyes focussed on him. Within less than a second, he knew the older hunter had had the same thoughts plus another one. They both nodded.

 

"Why would they need our help..."

 

"... if they have a whole university teaching magic?"

 

Their initial suspicions reaffirmed, the two part-devils raised their guard before entering the university grounds. The moment they crossed the threshold, both felt a slight tingle washing over their bodies. Slightly alarmed, they passed an eerily empty entrance hall bigger than their entire home before stepping through another door and finding themselves underneath the open sky again. A few paths were leading in a circle around and to the tower in the middle as well as other buildings. A multitude of flowers were planted between the paths, giving the grounds a comfortable atmosphere. This sure was different from the universities back home, which prevailed with concrete-induced cleanness and their impersonal air, screaming Your child isn't here to have fun, it's here to become a useful member of society! into any visitor's face. Almost as nice as a flower garden and open air surrounding what appeared to be the cafeteria.

 

While Dante crouched down to inspect the greenery a little closer, Nero took a few steps towards the tower in the centre. There were tables and chairs not only on the outside but on the inside, too, as well as a young woman behind the counter rummaging through a fridge of some sort. He shot a look back to his older relative who was approaching him.

 

"These flowers and their beds are new. Can't be older than a couple months. Now, that could be nothing, but I feel like this barrier we passed earlier is more than just a greeting. These flowers are supposed to be here all year around."

 

Nero was about to ask how he'd figured that out just by looking at a couple pretty petals, but he stopped himself before he could and decided to take another look at them. There were a bunch of different flowers planted with some grass in between. He could see freesias and amaryllis as well as cornflowers, and were those waterlily dahlias over there? He wasn't quite familiar enough with the other greens to name them, but he was pretty sure the few he did know weren't supposed to be in full bloom at the same time. So yeah, here was definitely some magic going on.

 

So Nero gave his partner merely a nod, which was returned with a small, yet appreciative grin. The wheels in his head turned for another second to make sense of the confusion Dante's reaction had caused. When the answer hit him, he felt awkwardly proud of himself yet also a tiny bit annoyed because of that. He reminded himself of a dog. But putting that aside, Nero really was glad that he was finally able to let some of the customs the order had ingrained in his head go. Instead of ignoring everything irrelevant to the objective and therefore not being able to see the bigger picture as a subordinate, he was beginning to figure things out for himself naturally again. Something Dante had been encouraging him to do from the very beginning- probably also because he had no desire to point everything out all the time, which Nero himself didn't appreciate all that much, either. But still, this process was not one to progress too quickly, and the memory of that left a bitter taste in his mouth. His first solo job after arriving at the Devil May Cry being the biggest offender.

 

"What's wrong?"

 

Nero forced himself back into the present upon hearing his relative's voice. Just now realising his face must've mirrored his unpleasant thoughts, he quickly shook all memories of this particular case off.

 

"Nothing, just remembered something. Anyways, how about we ask this girl behind the counter where we can find this Tōya dude?"

 

Even though he could almost feel the look Dante was shooting him, Nero decided to be stubborn and ignored the inquiring gaze sprinkled with doubt and a tiny note of worry. These were his own demons (pun not intended) and none of Dante's responsibility, just as some things weighing down on the older hunter weren't meant to be carried by Nero's shoulders, not even partly.

 

After a few seconds of intense silence, Dante finally inclined, tilting his head just the tiniest bit, and agreed.

"Sounds like a plan."

 

And with that, the two part-devils headed towards the glass entrance to the cafeteria. Upon stepping inside, they were greeted with warm air heavy with the scents of prepared lunch boxes for the students. Nero sniffed. Were there burgers and pizza on the menu...?

 

"Man, I'm starting to wish I went to school in this place... The school I went to only offered the regular stuff. You know, the disgusting kind."

 

"I didn't even know you actually went to school...", Nero mumbled in absent response while walking towards the nearest counter in the centre of the circular room. The service girl was now focussed on cleaning some cutlery but looked up with a beautifully fake smile upon hearing him coming closer. The professionalism was soon replaced by confusion, though. One might wonder why.

 

"Hey. We're looking for a guy named Tōya, or rather his office. Can you give us a pointer or two?"

 

Her smile returned and she nodded before pointing towards the western exit of the yard.

 

"Just go through there, it's the second door on the left. Mind if I ask what you want from him? You don't look like locals. Or, well, we've had some interesting folks popping in from time to time, ever since relations between the cities improved, but you guys look even fancier than those weirdoes from Junk City."

 

Not even bothering to grace that statement with a reply, Nero merely snorted and turned away when Dante took up the torch.

"Yep, we're from a place far far away. But as much as I'd love to stay and chat- I'm sure you have most interesting things to offer- we have some business to attend to. How about-"

 

"- you'll excuse us now since we have to get going. Bye."

 

Deciding he'd let that foolery gone on for long enough, Nero interrupted Dante's attempts at flirting his way into a different kind of serving. Grabbing the older hunter's elbow, he dragged him outside in the direction of the building the girl had pointed at. Ignoring her waving after them, the young part-devil let out another snort that was only partly exasperated and mostly amused. He realised that his older relative did this most of the time not only because he tried (and failed at) being a ladies' man, but to make people stop questioning them. Nero had been told more than once that he could do that just as nicely, but he rather left that to someone with no repercussions of leaving broken hearts behind- or at least that's what the red-clad hunter liked to pretend happened.

 

Dante detached himself from the younger's grip, no hard feelings evident in his face or any of his other gestures, and they merrily made their way over to the automated glass door leading to, according to the shiny plaque screwed onto the wall next to it, the administrative offices. After entering, they found themselves in a clean, white hall with more fancy looking doors left and right. Going directly to the one that should lead the two part-demons to their client and finding confirmation in the form of another glass plaque sporting the words Headstudent's Office, they stopped in front of it before Dante raised his fist and proceeded to give it two firm knocks. Mere seconds later, a voice could be heard from within.

 

"You can enter."

 

Doing just that, Dante and Nero soon found themselves within a moderately spacious office room. Two large windows offered view on the flowery scenery outside.

 

"Can I help you?"

 

They turned to the source of the very same voice that had called them in and found themselves looking at a young man in his, presumably, mid-twenties. Sharp, bright blue eyes behind thin-framed glasses were studying the two of them. His short, dark blue hair was complimenting his blue school uniform, oddly enough. Nero wasn't quite sure why, but the guy had something of a strange air around him, something that caused his insides to tingle in the weirdest ways.

 

Dante, as usual, cut straight to the point.

 

"You're Tōya?"

 

The young man inclined his head, his gaze suddenly a lot sharper and attentive than before.

 

"That I am. You must be from the Devil May Cry, then." It wasn't a question.

 

Deciding to leave the talking to his older partner, Nero turned around to take in some more if his imminent surroundings, even if he kept listening with one ear.

 

"I'm Dante and that's my partner, Nero. So, tell us about your demon problem."

 

Arms crossed in front of his chest, his eyes lingered a moment on the ornate spear leaning against the wall next to a file cabinet. His eyes flickered over to their client, measuring briefly what the man was capable of.

 

"Can I get you something to drink first?"

 

"Nah, we're good. So, demons?"

 

This Tōya seemed perfectly calm- calculating, even. He looked right back at Dante, not showing the slightest hint of fear or even unease at being alone in a room with two very dangerous individuals that were also very armed. Nero would be lying if he said that was a first, but it was certainly uncommon. Most people were either losing their shit because of their demon problem or because of them- or both. But not this guy.

 

"Very well. First, let me clarify that we're not even sure if these creatures are considered demons. They appeared near the city a few weeks ago and have been there ever since."

 

"Then why call us? I usually wouldn't complain about the drive, but two days for a maybe sound kind of harsh, don't you think? "

 

Nero still hadn't turned around and was instead studying the expensive and antique looking chessboard including ornate crystal pieces sitting on a shelf next to the window. This client of theirs couldn't be more of a stereotype if he tried. Well, except for the greatly cared for but obviously often used spear attached to the wall.

 

"While we're not entirely certain, I have reason to believe these creatures do, in fact, fall under your expertise. I have looked through all the history records I could find and if I recall correctly, there was mention of beings of similar nature dating about thirteen hundred years back. These records also show that all known means of fighting them have been lost to us shortly after, so-"

 

"Bullshit."

 

Despite his one-worded outburst, Nero still stared intently at the spear hanging on the wall opposite the desk. While it was faint, it caused the same tingle on his insides as the man himself did, and now he had finally put the pieces together of where that tingle came from. Leftover traces of executed magic, albeit faint, and if these people here attended a freaking university for magic next to handling real close combat weapons while also having some pretty darn heavy armoury running around town- yeah, no. The people here were perfectly capable of protecting themselves.

 

"You actually believe we're gonna buy this?"

 

Not bothering to explain himself any further, the young part-devil merely turned around and stared hard at their client. And Tōya stared right back, but his gaze wasn't filled with anger or the like, but rather with a faint hint of surprise peeking through the metaphorical gears grinding in his head. Well. That was a reaction Nero hadn't quite anticipated. But Dante picked up right where he had left, elaborating on their doubts in a much calmer fashion- the look he shot to Nero, however, was one of acknowledgement.

 

"You know, there are plenty bastards out there who'd just love to have a piece of us. Literally. And I have to admit, your story sounds rather fishy. So why don't you explain to us what's really going on?"

 

Tōya stayed silent for a moment, staring the both of them up and down. Noticing the older male's gaze lingered just a tad too long on the scales on his right arm that weren't entirely hidden, Nero turned around again with a low growl in the back of his throat. After a few more seconds, their client apparently arrived at a conclusion and made an 'ah' sound.

 

"I think I understand. The two of you are being hunted for being not entirely... human, so to speak, and you believe this is some kind of elaborate trap to acquire some sort of power or might the two of you possess. Am I correct?"

 

"Got it in one. Now, give me one reason why I shouldn't be getting you in one."

 

Dante's voice may have sounded pleasant enough, but Nero could feel the cold and slightly dangerous aura he emitted. He could practically see the older's hand at the ready to get their client a little more acquainted with Rebellion and, just to be sure, he put a hand on the hilt of his Blue Rose as well. Instead of mad cackling or demons bursting through the walls, however, they were met with an awkward laugh and raised hands.

 

"I assure you, I have no plans of the like you seem to think of. I apologise if my call and behaviour made it look that way, but there's no need for this. Neither I nor anyone else is after you."

 

Nero's eyebrows shot up and he was pretty sure Dante's did, too. Their client actually sounded pretty sincere.

 

"Would you please explain what gave you the impression this was a ruse? I'm afraid I have to admit I'm not quite sure as to what would make you think so. Otherwise, I would have explained more properly from the beginning to prevent a scene such as this from playing out."

 

Knowing Dante could be bothered to do just that, Nero occupied himself by skimming over the titles of a variety of books neatly stacked on a large shelf. The tingle in his arm was getting stronger, although it was still faint. And was he imagining things or was it heating up, too? But for what reason?

 

"Fine, I'll give you the benefit of the doubt for now. First, while demons aren't exactly the hit in high society, most people at least know about them. Otherwise, I wouldn't have a job. Especially in big cities like this since they're drawn to large masses of humans. Second, you guys here don't only know magic, you actually teach it like other universities teach law or medicine. I've also seen you and plenty of other people proficient with hand-to-hand combat. And last, those guys with the big guns out there. I don't know what they are, but judging by their firepower, you guys really shouldn't be afraid of a bunch of ickle demons."

 

There was silence for a moment and Nero could only guess as to its reason. The strange reaction in his arm was getting too strong to wave off or even ignore, and he clenched his right fist tightly. The tingling had gotten too intense for his liking. He threw an irritated look at the offending appendage and realised with a lot of confusion and a small bit of panic that it was starting to glow. He barely heard their client speaking up again, puzzlement colouring his own voice as well.

 

"It's true that we learn and teach Enchantments at this university, but that's only a small fraction of what real magic can do. That has been lost to us over a millennium ago."

 

"What?"

 

Nero didn't even hear what else was being said. His gaze was locked on his Devil Bringer and the blue glow it was emitting in waves similar to a heartbeat. Despite himself, Nero felt a small surge of fear rising in his stomach- this was not normal. Gripping his scaled wrist with his human hand tightly, he could even feel the heat it was giving off and it was bordering on uncomfortable. Still staring intently at his weirdly acting limb, he raised his voice, too preoccupied with what was happening to even care about the slight hint of panic in his tone.

 

"Dante, something's wrong with my arm."

 

Obviously not needing to specify which arm exactly he was talking about, his older relative reacted in an instant. Less than a second later, their client was all but forgotten and Dante stood right next to Nero, hand on his shoulder and unusually serious eyes locked on the phenomenon.

 

"Anything else?"

 

"It feels really hot and itchy- I have no fucking clue why, it's never acted like this-"

 

In the very same moment Dante opened his mouth to retort, the door to the office suddenly burst open, wood slamming hard enough into the wall to leave a crack in the concrete. Three pairs of eyes whipped to the source of the disruption, their client even rising from his seat in shock, surprise and even worry.

 

Another young man had entered the office. Another student, judging the- for whatever reason red- uniform he was wearing. He seemed to be around Tōya's age and was obviously familiar with their client, but that wasn't what caught everyone's attention. Neither was it his silver hair or the mismatched eyes. It was the arm he was gripping tightly, his right one. Golden lines were visible on the skin, and the pulsating light they were emitting washed over it in waves.

 

His arm feeling like it was reaching its peak of unusual sensations and reactions, Nero couldn't help but freeze up. Mismatched eyes found his own and icy blue locked with green and purple.



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Kommentare zu diesem Kapitel (1)

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Bitte keine Beleidigungen oder Flames! Falls Ihr Kritik habt, formuliert sie bitte konstruktiv.
Von:  CaroZ
2018-07-16T19:50:55+00:00 16.07.2018 21:50
Guten Abend!

Wie versprochen hole ich nun den fälligen Kommentar nach. Der Vorteil, wenn man FFs offline als PDF in Bus und Bahn liest, ist der, dass man alles Interessante schon im Text markieren und kommentieren kann. So geschehen hier, und man sieht es auch … Du weißt ja, ich verliere mich gerne in Details. Ich hoffe, es wird dir nicht zu öde, meine Gedanken zu lauter kleinen Schnipseln zu lesen.

Den Anfang kannte ich ja bereits, doch nun geht’s weiter. Wollen mal sehen:

>>While Dante crouched down to inspect the greenery a little closer […] "These flowers and their beds are new.<<

Also hier kann ich mir nicht helfen, wann immer Dante Pflanzen begutachtet, hab ich automatisch DMC im Kopf: „Diese krautähnliche Vegetation scheint eine Art Gifthauch einzuatmen, um zu derart riesenhafter Größe heranzuwachsen.“ :D Dante schaut sich eben Pflanzen gerne mal aus der Nähe an. Schade eigentlich, dass in seinem Büro nichts Grünes überleben kann …

>>[…] freesias and amaryllis as well as cornflowers, and were those waterlily dahlias over there?<<

Auch Nero hat in Bio nicht nur mit dem Radiergummi gespielt. Good boy!

Das sind mir ja zwei Detektive, die beiden … Ob Nero wohl auch anfällig dafür ist, gegen Glastüren zu laufen? Dafür muss man schließlich auch genauer hinsehen … Nur weiter so, Jungs!

>>His first solo job after arriving at the Devil May Cry being the biggest offender.<<

Und ich werde es als erster Fan lesen dürfen! *heavy breathing*

>>"I didn't even know you actually went to school..."<<

In meinem Headcanon durchaus. Aber wurde das je bestätigt, gibt es Hinweise darauf? Im Roman vielleicht?

Nun kommen wir zu den beiden unterschiedlichen Versionen von Kapitel 1, die ich ab hier in einem gnadenlosen Battle um meine Gunst gegeneinander antreten lassen werde! Óò

>>Not even from Junk City, and they sure got some oddballs over there."<<

Das ist ein derart netter Kommentar, vor allem in Verbindung mit dem Wort oddballs (WTF?), dass die Tante hier klar den Punkt für Version A holt.

A 1:0 B

>>"Makes me scared I'll be your next target." Successfully distracted, Dante snorted. "You wish."<<

Dieser herrliche Dialog zwischen den beiden über Dantes fragwürdiges Flirtverhalten verwandelt mich in ein trommelndes Häschen.

A 2:0 B

>>"Are you fucking kidding me?"<<

Deshalb so lustig, weil man dank des bekannten Memes automatisch einen Gesichtsausdruck vor Augen hat, der zu Nero überhaupt nicht passt. Lol.

A 3:0 B

>>He was glad Nero was more than capable of taking care of himself, but it still left a bitter taste in his mouth and severely pissed him off whenever someone was after the kid. Blame the childhood trauma.<<

Interessanterweise stehen in Version A Dantes Gedanken im Vordergrund, sodass wir hier einen Blick auf seine Sorgen um Nero erhaschen. Nice.

A 4:0 B

>>Her smile returned and she nodded before pointing towards the western exit of the yard.<<

An die anderen Leser: Ab hier beginnt in Version B die Abweichung von Version A!

>>Grabbing the older hunter's elbow,<<

In Version A packt er Dante am Handgelenk. Hmm. Ellbogen vs. Handgelenk. Was ist frecher? Eigentlich das Handgelenk … und Nero zieht ja richtig dran … und lässt erst deutlich später wieder los. Handgelenk!

A 5:0 B

>>He realised that his older relative did this most of the time not only because he tried (and failed at) being a ladies' man, but to make people stop questioning them.<<

Sehr interessant: Hier wird Dantes Flirtyness eine weitere Bedeutungsebene hinzugefügt. Version B holt auf!

A 5:1 B

>>Dante detached himself from the younger's grip, no hard feelings evident in his face or any of his other gestures, and they merrily made their way […]<<

Wie man sieht, fehlt in Version B das kleine Gezicke über junge Mädchen und alte Männer. Version A hat diesen Punkt bereits oben eingeheimst.

>>They turned to the source if the very same voice<<

Hier habe ich by accident einen Schreibfehler entdeckt.

>>"I'm Dante and that's my partner, Nero.<<

Höflich! In Version A wird keine Zeit mit Vorstellen verschwendet, hier nennt Dante ihre Namen.

A 5:2 B

>>"Can I get you something to drink first?"<<

Höflich! No. 2. Auch Toya benimmt sich hier mehr wie ein manierlicher Gastgeber.

A 5:3 B

>>not showing the slightest hint of fear of even unease<<

Noch ein Mini-Fehler.

>>[…] at being alone in a room with two very dangerous individuals that were also very armed.<<

Ahahaha. Einfach … nett.

>>the expensive and antique looking chessboard<<

Da in Version B die Perspektive Nero obliegt, kann er, während Dante redet, die Umgebung anschauen. Was er sieht, charakterisiert Toya als Person.

A 5:4 B

>>But Dante picked up right where he had left, elaborating on their doubts in a much calmer fashion- the look he shot to Nero, however, was one of acknowledgement.<<

In Version A muss Dante Nero beruhigen (vor dem Kunden), weil der die Contenance verliert, d.h. er muss ihm die Hände auf die Schultern legen und auf ihn einreden. Diese kleine Unprofessionalität fand ich persönlich hübscher als das glatte Übergehen in Version B.

A 6:4 B

>>The two of you are being hunted for being not entirely... human<<

So deutlich hat Toya das in Version A nicht ausgesprochen. Ich war mir nicht sicher, ob er es wirklich verstanden hat. Hier wird das deutlich.

A 6:5 B

>>"Got it in one.<<

Dantes Reaktion fällt ziemlich lässig aus dafür, dass Toya gerade ein gut gehütetes Geheimnis aufgedeckt hat. Ich glaube, weder Dante noch Nero würden sich „Halbdämon“ an die Brust tackern. ABER so genau hat Toya das vielleicht auch nicht erkannt – schließlich kann „nicht ganz menschlich“ vieles bedeuten.

>>Dante's voice may have sounded pleasant enough, but Nero could feel the cold and slightly dangerous aura he emitted.<<

Dieser Satz ist einfach nur … arrrr … *-*

A 6:6 B

Geichstand!

>>[…] that it was starting [] glow.<<

Noch ein Fehlerchen entdeckt.

>>That has been lost to us over a millennium ago."<<

Die kurze Diskussion über das Vorhandensein von Magie aus Version A fehlt hier, da Nero es schon früher nicht mehr aushalten kann und reingrätscht.

A 7:6 B

>>Nero didn't even hear what else was being said. […] Still staring intently at his weirdly acting limb, he raised his voice, too preoccupied with what was happening to even care about the slight hint of panic in his tone.<<

Dieser ganze Absatz ist grandios. Da der Fokus in Version B nicht auf Dante liegt, der sich auf Toya statt auf Nero konzentriert, sondern auf Nero selbst, können wir dessen wachsendes Unbehagen voyeuristisch mitverfolgen. Yay!

A 7:7 B

>>"Dante, something's wrong with my arm."<<

Und hier habe ich einen gänzlich anderen Tonfall im Ohr als bei Version As eher verblüfftem „Dante … my arm’s acting up.“. Und das kommt so:
In Version A wird die Äußerung ganz anders vorbereitet. Das Jucken und Kribbeln reicht aus, um Nero dazu zu bringen, sein Unbehagen zum Ausdruck zu bringen, und zwar an Dante adressiert: „Guck mal, mein Arm macht irgendwas.“ Dies impliziert ein ungesagtes: „Weißt du, was das ist? Ich nämlich nicht.“ Er ist ratlos, auch etwas besorgt, und appelliert an Dantes Expertise, ihm zu erklären, was das zu bedeuten hat.
In Version B tut Nero der Arm tatsächlich weh bzw. wird unangenehm heiß, und er hält diesen Schmerz aus, bis seine Angst (jawohl!) zu groß wird, um sie für sich zu behalten, und dementsprechend klingt seine Bemerkung hier viel eher wie ein Hilferuf, ein alarmiertes „Etwas stimmt nicht/ist nicht in Ordnung/nicht so, wie es sein sollte“, „Etwas ist FALSCH“ – das ist eindringlicher, da schwingt ein „Hilf mir, mach was!“ mit. Nero leidet unter der Reaktion und erlebt eine Hilflosigkeit, die ihn bei Dante Schutz suchen lässt. Dies macht Dante hier stark zu einer Vaterfigur für ihn.
Und da kommt noch ’ne Schippe drauf:

A 7:8 B

>>Less than a second later, their client was all but forgotten and Dante stood right next to Nero, hand on his shoulder and unusually serious eyes locked on the phenomenon.<<

In Version A nimmt Dante Neros Bemerkung zur Kenntnis und macht sich schließlich auch die Mühe aufzustehen, weil Nero besorgt auf seinen Arm starrt – jedoch schaut er dabei Toya an. In Version B (oben) hingegen erkennt Dante Neros Äußerung sofort völlig richtig als Hilferuf und reagiert augenblicklich („in an instant“). Toya ist „forgotten“, bekommt keinen Anteil seiner Aufmerksamkeit mehr, die richtet sich zur Gänze auf Nero. Die behütende, väterliche Geste (Hand auf die Schulter), zusammen mit dem ernsten Blick, der Dantes Sorge um Nero ausdrückt, zeigt hier sehr subtil und zugleich sehr deutlich die Liebe zwischen den beiden. Kleine Details, große Wirkung. Meisterhaft.

A 7:793.086.027.630.376 B

Version B gewinnt. *stating the obvious*
Aber Version A hatte ein paar ganz tolle Szenen/Dialoge mit Dynamik zwischen den beiden, die in B fehlen.

Na gut, das war es zu Kapitel 1. Jetzt kommt Atsuma dazu. Ich bin gespannt!

Frohes Schaffen :D
Caro
Antwort von:  Khaosprinz
17.07.2018 07:30
Ahaha, wie versprochen, war ich so breit am Grinsen, als ich gesehen habe, dass du kommentiert hast, dass ich schon gefragt wurde, was denn mit mir los sei. xD

>>Auch Nero hat in Bio nicht nur mit dem Radiergummi gespielt. Good boy!
Ahaha, ich hab irgendwie den Headcanon, dass Kyrie total auf Blumen steht. & da wir ja alle wissen, dass Kyrie special ist, hat Nero zumindest versucht, zuzuhören & aufzupassen, wenn sie ihm davon erzählt hat. :D

>> Aber wurde das je bestätigt, gibt es Hinweise darauf? Im Roman vielleicht?
Eh... da müsste ich tatsächlich nochmal nachschauen? So spontan weiß ich das gar nicht mehr. Theoretisch ist der Tony, von dem im Anime die Rede ist, zur Schule gegangen, aber das wurde ja offen gelassen, ob Dante tatsächlich dieser Tony war oder nicht... Ich werd mir den ersten Roman beizeiten nochmal durchlesen & komme dann darauf zurück! xD

>>In Version A muss Dante Nero beruhigen (vor dem Kunden), weil der die Contenance verliert [...]
Das ist tatsächlich eine der Änderungen, die ich bewusst gemacht habe- aus Gründen (hint hint), die du früher oder später lesen wirst. :D Sagen wir einfach mal, das liegt daran, dass ich zum dem Zeitpunkt, als ich die zweite Version geschrieben habe, der Rest des gesamten Universums etwas weiter ausgearbeitet war in meinem Kopf, ergo sind Resultate aus früheren Konflikten, die noch nicht gezeigt wurden, bereits greifbar.

>>Die kurze Diskussion über das Vorhandensein von Magie aus Version A fehlt hier, da Nero es schon früher nicht mehr aushalten kann und reingrätscht.
Dieser Satz... xDDD Aus welchen Gründen auch immer, bringt der mich hart zum Lachen. xD Vielleicht, weil mir das bildlich in den Kopf geschossen ist, dass Dante & Toya sich unterhalten & Nero da wortwörtlich auf einmal so aus dem Nichts reingegrätscht kommt?! xD

>>"Dante, something's wrong with my arm."
Ja, in der ersten Version sollte das größtenteils eher... Verwirrung sein. Halt so "Wtf you doin', arm?" weil das etwas ist, was so noch nie passert ist. Allerdings ist die Reaktion, wie du selbst schon erkannt hast, in der zweiten Version weitaus stärker- & ja, das sollte auch alarmierend sein, denn wenn dämonische Körperteile auf einmal ganz neue Reaktionen zeigen kann das schon mal besorgniserregend sein. xD'

>>Dante/Nero
Ahaha, ja. Das basiert auch zum Teil wieder auf dem Fakt, dass diese Version einfach später entstanden ist. Bei der ersten bestand der headcanon noch nicht so stark, dass sie ja hier bereits seit fast zwei Jahren zusammen wohnen/arbeiten & sich so langsam zu dem entwickeln, was sie in SMoH dann letztlich sind- heterosexual lifepartners. Ich sag nicht mehr dazu, als dass es da später nochmal ein, zwei Stellen gibt, die etwas deutlicher zeigen sollen, dass diese Entwicklung stattfindet- aber da werden wir dann wohl drauf kommen, sobald du sie gelesen hast. ;) Allerdings nehme ich eines schonmal in Hinsicht auf das gesamte Universum vorweg- noch wirkt die Beziehung zwischen denen recht einseitig in Hinsicht auf "Hilf mir!", allerdings wird Nero auch älter. Lass noch ein paar Jahre vergehen & sie werden in jeglicher Hinsicht auf equal footing stehen- wie sie es in SMoH tun. :)

Alles in allem- wie immer, danke für deinen Kommentar! :D Besonders das Ende hatte mal wieder eine mittelschwere Red Bull-Wirkung (meine Ma lacht sich kaputt), aber sowas ist auch einfach beste Motivation dafür, dass ich mich nachher an mein nächstes Werk setze. & raffiniert wie ich bin, befindet sich im vorigen Satz sogar ein klitzekleiner Hint darauf, worum es darin geht. x)

Dann verbleibe ich in freudiger Erwartung auf dein nächstes Feedback. x) & mache mich gleich daran, die Fehler auszumerzen, die du gefunden hast. Auf drei Seiten. /joy


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